Email: whydokids@yahoo.com
Power struggles happen because both people want to be in control. When you get into a power struggle there is normally a winner and a loser. After the altercation both people are upset. It is also hard to build a positive relationship with a person when you are constantly fighting with them.
Kids that try to control their peers will be in a bad mood and yell more often than a child who realizes that they can only control themselves. Both aggressive and passive kids feel like they need more control. Aggressive people try to get control by yelling. Passive people feel helpless and give up trying to get control. Assertive people are confident. They feel like they have enough control. Kids will listen to assertive person (authoritative parent) more often than aggressive or passive person.
Learn how to be confident by gaining knowledge. Practice talking with an assertive voice and using eye contact. If it is possible use natural consequences. When natural consequences are used, there is no one to fight with. Children also learn way faster if you let them have what they want. Then they can decide for themselves that it was a bad idea. You can also offer them choices. When children feel like they have some control they fight less often.
If a child does not have a choice, do not ask them a question.
Example: Can you put on your shoes? The child may say “no” then it can turn into a power struggle.
Solution 1: We are leaving soon. You can put your shoes on now or in 3 minutes.
Solution 2: Do you need help or will you put your shoes on alone?
Natural consequence…
Dora says, “I want spaghetti.”
I tell her, “We don’t need any more food right now, but you can make it if you want to.”
She gets out the ingredients, then asks me to help her defrost the meat.
Dora walks away expecting me to finish the work for her.
I choose to put the meat in the refrigerator for later.
Dora comes back after 20 minutes. She asks, “Is it ready?”
I respond, “You left, it doesn’t make itself.”
Offer choices…
Roy says, “I want soda.”
I say, “You can have milk or water.”
Roy pouts, then says “fine milk.”
Children in the middle of a power struggle…
I hear loud voices.
I walk in to see Roy and Ruth fighting over a toy. They are both pulling on it.
Roy says, “I had it first!”
I calmly hold out my hand so the children can give me the toy.
Ruth lets go. Then Roy gives it to me.
I say, “I have it last.”
Since neither child was trying to solve the problem correctly, I take the toy with me. I put it back in the room later. They chose to fight over the toy. I chose to take the toy.
One child causing a power struggle…
I ask Leon and Ruth to clean up. Neither of the children move.
I remind them again that they need to clean their mess so we can eat lunch.
Leon starts cleaning.
Ruth sees him then aggressively yells “I was going to clean that!”
Leon whines passively when Ruth tries to take the cars he is putting away out of his hand.
I assertively tell Ruth she can clean up the blocks instead.
Then I tell Leon he can put the cars away.
The power struggle was over when I intervened.
Power struggles should be used with caution. They can be used however, when the issue is about safety. We do not want a 4 year old to cross the street alone. They might think they can, but they obviously shouldn’t. We should explain to them “My job is to keep you safe. Crossing the street alone is not safe.” Talking with the child is the best way to solve this problem so it does not turn into a power struggle.
Let’s see it in action…
Adult: “Standing on the chair is not safe. You can sit on the chair or stand on the floor.”
Aaron continues to stand on the chair.
I get Aaron down then, take the chair away.
I tell Aaron, “You chose not to listen. I need to keep you safe. You can have the chair back when you chose to listen.”
We are like a casino in Las Vegas. We adults have the advantage, because we own a lot of stuff that children want and we make the rules.
