Email: whydokids@yahoo.com
Discover effective ways to solve problems with kids and build strong relationships. Find expert advice and practical tips on communication, discipline, and conflict resolution to help you navigate the challenges of parenting.
1. OFFER CHOICES
No one likes being told what to do. When a child is doing something they shouldn’t, you can give them two acceptable choices. Make sure to use simple, clear, language so they understand what they are agreeing to. For 1 to 2 year olds, you should show them the object and use gestures while you offer both choices to help them understand what you are saying.
2. USE REDIRECTION
Kids can be very forgetful. Use it to your advantage. We want them to forget the bad behavior they are doing and start playing instead. Redirection works best with infants and toddlers.
Example: Aaron sprays me with water. I tell him “Let me show you how to spray the fence instead. Many sensory experiences can be used for redirection as well, such as using a baby rattle when infants are crying.
3. TRADE
Trading works best with toddlers. Be warned, kids will fight over identical toys.
Example: Emily is complaining because Ruth has the small blue plate she was using a few minutes ago. I bring her an identical small blue plate. Emily refuses to take it. I trade the plate in my hand with Ruth so Emily can get her original plate back. They are both happy.
4. TAKE TURNS
When children fight over a toy you can get a timer to help them take turns. The child that is listening better can take the first turn or make it random if you are not sure who should go first. Remind children that part of taking turns is waiting. Taking turns works best with preschoolers.
Example: Emily and Leon both want to use a purple sheet for making tents. I try giving Leon a red sheet instead, but it does not work this time. We decide to take turns instead. Emily gets the purple sheet for 3 minutes then it is Leon’s turn.
5. USE A VISUAL AID
When children keep asking the same question over and over again, use a visual aid to remind them what your answer was. Visual aids work best for preschoolers. A picture schedule and a calendar are examples of a visual aid.
Example 1: Several times per day the children ask, “Is it time to eat?” After months of telling them “Not yet.” I started using a visual aid so they can look instead of asking. Since they do not know how to read a clock, I started telling them “We will eat when there is food on the table.” When they forget to look and ask me about eating again, I say “Is there food on the table?” After a few days, the children started reminding each other. “We eat when there’s food on the table.”
Example 2: Dora keeps asking “When is the barbecue?” I write it on the calendar so she can look at it for herself. She starts using the calendar instead of asking.
6. REPEAT
When a child keeps arguing with you because they want something you already said “no” to. You can tell the child why you said no.
Example: If they keep asking, keep calmly repeating “I said no. I will not change my answer.” If they are still arguing you can tell them “I’m ignoring you now.” It is impossible to argue with someone that does not respond. This technique will avoid power struggles if it is done calmly. Works best with preschoolers and school aged children.
7. EARN IT
Children ask for stuff every day. The best way to deal with this behavior is to have them earn what they want. It works best with school aged children.
Example:
Dora: “I want to go to the park!”
Adult: “You can go to the park when your room is clean.”
If going to the park is really important to Dora, she will clean her room. If however she decides that cleaning her room is too much work, she will forget about it. When you give children what they ask for many times they will realize that it was not really important and what they actually want is control over their life. If she actually does clean her room, someone needs to take her to the park very soon. When you do not follow through with a promise it causes more problems later on.
8. USE TIME AWAY
Time away is used to calm down. Time away works for toddlers to adults. As children get older, they should learn to walk away and take deep breaths when they are upset.
Example: Emily is upset. She walks away from Roxy, hugs my leg and says, “I want to be alone.”
If everyone is safe and you are stressed or there is no problem to fix, you can choose to ignore.
Example:
Ruth complains: “She’s pulling the rug.”
Adult: “Is anyone being hurt?”
Ruth says nothing.
Adult: “Ignore it.”
There is good and bad to both ignoring and intervening. When you ignore too much the children do not have anyone to copy from. They will start using violence and control to solve their problems. When you always solve the problem, they become dependent on you to do it for them. If everyone is safe and you are busy with something that is more important you can ignore. If the children have tried to solve the problem and it is not working for them, you should intervene.
Example:
Irene: “I had it first!”
Ruth: Looks at the toy in her hands.
Irene: “You took it off the couch. I was using that!”
Ruth: Chooses to ignore Irene.
Irene: “I want it back!”
Ruth: Keeps looking at the toy.
Since I do not want Irene to get violent and Ruth is not giving up control over the toy, I choose to intervene.
Solution:
I put the toy in time out. This stops the confrontation and allows the children to calm down and go back to playing. After a while I put the toy back in the playroom.
Talking with people assertively and actively listening what they have to say can solve most problems if both people are wiling to do it.
