Email: whydokids@yahoo.com
Positive discipline works because you are teaching your child a skill instead of punishing a behavior. The following strategy works best when you have time to resolve the problem.
First: Everyone involved must be calm for this to work. If they are not, see my article titled “How to Calm Down.” Adults need to be calm at this first step. Children need to be calm before the fourth step.
Second: Get the children’s attention. You can do this by using eye contact and being close to them. You can also use auditory stimulation such as snapping, clapping, or saying their name and visual stimulation like using sign language, hand gestures, or flickering the lights on and off. Many times the children will come to you for help. This is still getting attention.
Third: Ask, “What is the problem?” If they are having difficulty with this step, and you know what the problem is, you can tell them. “Are you are upset because ____?” If 2 or more children are talking over each other, wait for them to finish talking or say “ I cannot understand you when you talk at the same time.” Look at 1 child (picking the oldest child, calmest child, or a bystander usually works best) and ask what happened. Most of the time they will blame the other child. Then the second child will probably interrupt and say why they misbehaved. If they did not interrupt, ask all the children involved what happened.
Fourth: Discus ideas to solve the problem. If they are fighting over a toy you can: wait and take turns, play together, use the same toys but play separately, or trade. If they need more space, show them where to go or where they can put their toys. If a child is telling another child what to do let them know, “You can only control yourself.” If a child is playing incorrectly, sit down with them and show them how to play. Simply playing with them teaches them how to play correctly.
Fifth: Pick the best solution, that both children agree to, and do it. Many toddlers will get distracted and walk away before finding a solution. That is okay too. After some practice children should start doing this strategy on their own. However, having an adult supervise makes it work a lot better.
Sixth: If it did not work, repeat the process. Remember, learning takes time.
This process is easier than it looks. It just takes time to remember. Waiting is also a great tool to use. It helps give everyone time to think before doing an appropriate action. Remember it is nearly impossible to do the right thing in every circumstance. Just try your best. It will get easier with time and practice.
EXAMPLES
Fighting over toys…
Second – attention: I hear loud voices. I walk over to the children.
Third – problem: They are both telling me what the other child did, but it is difficult to understand. I look at Leon and ask “What happened?” He says, “Ruth broke my tent!” Ruth interrupts. She says, “Well, he wouldn’t let in in!”
Fourth – discuss: “Oh no, what should we do?” The kids say, “I don’t know.” I say, “You can build a tent together or each of you get half the materials.”
Fifth – solution: The children decide to split the materials so they can both build their own tents.
Fighting over property…
Attention: Emily is crying and pointing at Roxy. I look at Roxy. She is wearing Emily’s shoes.
Problem: I tell Emily, “You want your shoes.” Emily stops crying.
Discuss: I tell Roxy “Shoes please.” Roxy says “No.” I tell Emily “Let’s go get her sandals to trade.”
Solution: We bring Roxy her sandals and say, “Trade?” Roxy takes Emily shoes off.
Complaining about personal space…
Second – attention: I hear whinny voices. I walk over to the children.
Third – problem: I see Roxy getting close to Emily. Emily says, “No” and looks worried. Roxy keeps getting closer to her.
Fourth – discuss: Since the children are toddlers, I figure out how to solve the problem for them. I put my arm in between them and say, “bubble space.”
Fifth – solution: Roxy walks away. Emily looks relieved.
Child is playing incorrectly…
Calm: Roxy and Leon are playing dress up.
Problem: Leon takes Roxy’s hat off her head. Then runs away laughing. Roxy starts crying.
Discuss: I hug Roxy then tell her “You’re sad because Leon took your hat.”
Solution: I tell Roxy “Let’s go get it.” I tell Leon “You can give the hat to me or Roxy” Leon continues running around smiling.
Attention & Repeat: I play with Roxy for a little while. Leon stops running. I use eye contact then tell him again, “You can give it to me or her.” This time he brings the hat to me.
REFLECTION
In this instance it looked like Leon wanted to play tag. In the past I would have chased him. However, that behavior would teach him when I take toys, someone plays with me. I paid attention the upset child before solving the problem because I did not want her to stay upset and cause a second problem.
