Email: whydokids@yahoo.com
We need to be calm before solving problems. When we try to solve a problem while upset, we are not using the smartest part of our brains and end up acting on instinct. Trying to teach a child when they are upset is like trying to climb a mountain from the middle. People need to have their basic needs met before they are able to learn.
Seems easy right? It should be, but sometimes we all need a little help. The fastest and easiest way to calm down is to make your muscles tense while taking deep breaths.
First: Clinch your fists or touch your middle finger to your thumb.
Second: Take a deep breath. Hold it for a second.
Third: Release your breath and relax your hands.
There are many variations of this that you can do. Find one that works best for you.
When people are upset they either want to be alone or attention from someone they trust. If you give attention to a child that wants to be alone, the problem will get worse. In that case the best thing you can do is wait for them to calm down on their own.
Children can use a space called time away to learn how to calm themselves down. Time away is similar to time out in that it is a safe place for children to be alone, usually in the corner of a room. However, it is also different from timeout because the child can leave whenever they want to. Time away will not work if children are forced into it. The purpose of time away is to calm down. It is not a punishment. When children are used to time away, they may start doing it on their own.
If you are upset at your child, please don’t feel like you are alone. You can choose to walk away until you calm down. It is nearly impossible to help a child when you are upset too.
Self-directed time away…
Irene yells, “That’s mine!”
Ruth says, “It was on the floor!”
Irene yells, “Give it back!”
Ruth ignores.
Irene replies with “Grrr!” Then stomps to a corner so she can calm down.
I intervene.
I hold out my hand then tell Ruth “She needs the ring back.”
Ruth gives it to me, then I give it to Irene.
Adult initiated time away…
Leon is holding 2 toys running around laughing. Ruth looks upset. She is chasing him.
Leon sees me and puts 1 toy down.
Ruth yells, “I don’t want that one!” She kicks the toy and hurts her foot in the process.
Ruth gets enraged. She runs toward Leon.
I calmly hold her and place her in a quiet area away from Leon.
I wait for a little bit; then tell her “You can get up when you’re calm.”
After a few minutes she gets up and goes back to playing.
NOTE – It would have been better to see that Leon took the toy Ruth was using. Then I could have used positive discipline to teach Leon that taking toys without asking is inappropriate behavior.
Discover the complex world of emotions and discover practical strategies for managing and regulating them. Explore strategies to manage difficult emotions for a happier and more fulfilling life.
ANGER
Anger tells us that there is a problem. Many children act out because they have a need that is not being met. When we are angry, we are not thinking with the logical part of our brains. We may act on instinct, want revenge, or use manipulation. When people get upset they may throw things or use violence. Those strategies will help a person calm down, but it’s a negative way to do it. Children and adults need to calm down to think clearly.
How to help kids who are angry
Validate their feelings: Let your child know that it’s okay to feel angry and that everyone feels angry sometimes. Show empathy and understanding by listening to their perspective and acknowledging their emotions.
Teach them coping skills: Help your child develop healthy coping skills to manage their anger, such as deep breathing, counting to ten, or taking a break to calm down. Encourage them to practice these skills when they’re feeling angry or upset.
Use positive reinforcement: Praise your child when they use positive behaviors, such as using their coping skills or expressing their emotions in a healthy way. This can help reinforce positive behaviors and build their self-esteem.
Set boundaries: It’s important to set clear boundaries and expectations for behavior, while also being consistent with consequences for negative behavior. This can help your child understand what’s expected of them and what consequences they can expect if they break the rules.
Teach problem-solving skills: Help your child develop problem-solving skills to address the root causes of their anger. Encourage them to identify the problem, brainstorm solutions, and evaluate the pros and cons of each option.
Seek professional help if needed: If your child’s anger is persistent or intense, or if it’s causing problems at childcare or school, it may be time to ask your pediatrician about developmental screenings or play therapy.
SCARED
People that have experienced trauma tend to get scared more often than people without it. When people are scared, they either run away (flight) or attack (fight). They can also freeze in place or pass out. Toddlers normally run to the person who takes care of them when they are scared. They need to feel safe and adults generally keep them safe.
Let’s see it in action…
Leon is wearing a sheet pretending to be a ghost.
Emily runs to me. She stands by me and whines when Leon gets close to her.
I say, “Are you scared?”
Emily tells Leon, “I don’t like it.”
How to help kids who are scared
Validate their feelings: Let your child know that it’s okay to feel scared and that everyone feels scared sometimes. Show empathy and understanding by listening to their perspective and acknowledging their emotions.
Provide reassurance: Reassure your child that they’re safe and that you’re there to protect them. Let them know that you’re available to talk to them and answer any questions they may have.
Encourage relaxation techniques: Help your child learn relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, visualization, or muscle relaxation, that they can use to calm down when they’re feeling scared.
Address the cause of the fear: If your child is scared of something specific, such as spiders or thunderstorms, help them learn about the thing that scares them. Use age-appropriate books or videos to teach them about the thing and show them that it’s not as scary as they think.
Help them feel in control: Help your child feel in control by giving them choices and encouraging them to make decisions. This can help build their confidence and reduce feelings of helplessness.
Seek professional help if needed: If your child’s fear is persistent or intense, or if it’s causing problems at childcare or school, it may be helpful to seek the help of a mental health professional who can provide additional support and guidance.
SAD
Sadness also tells us that there is a problem. When we are sad, we are also not thinking with the logical part of our brains. Talking with someone who cares helps us be able to solve problems.
How to help kids who are sad
Validate their feelings: Let your child know that it’s okay to feel sad and that everyone feels sad sometimes. Show empathy and understanding by listening to their perspective and acknowledging their emotions.
Encourage them to talk about their feelings: Encourage your child to talk about their feelings and share what’s making them sad. Listen to your child without interrupting.
Provide comfort and support: Offer physical comfort, such as hugs or holding hands, and let your child know that you’re there for them. Create a space where your child is able to draw or have a journal to write about their feelings.
Help them find positive distractions: Encourage your child to engage in activities that they enjoy, such as playing with friends, reading, or playing games. Positive distractions can help take their mind off their sadness and improve their mood.
Seek professional help if needed: If your child’s sadness is persistent or intense, or if it’s causing problems at childcare or school, it may be time to ask for help from a mental health professional.
Practice self-care as a family: It’s important for the entire family to practice self-care and to help support each other during difficult times.
HAPPY / EXCITED
Many times 1 and 2 year olds will clap, jump, or shake their head up and down quickly with a big smile on their face when they are excited. Sometimes they will smile or laugh when you do what they want.
How do I know if my child is happy
Positive mood: Happy children tend to have a positive and cheerful mood most of the time. They smile, laugh, and show enthusiasm for activities they enjoy.
Good appetite and sleeping patterns: A happy child is likely to have a good appetite and regular sleeping patterns. They may also have a good amount of energy throughout the day.
Social engagement: Happy children tend to enjoy spending time with others and engaging in social activities. They may have close friendships and enjoy playing with peers.
Curiosity and interest in learning: Happy children often show curiosity and interest in learning new things. They may ask questions, explore their surroundings, and enjoy discovering new information.
Positive self-image: A happy child typically has a positive self-image and feels good about themselves. They may have good self-esteem, confidence, and a sense of pride in their accomplishments.
It’s important to keep in mind that every child is different and may show happiness in different ways.
