Email: whydokids@yahoo.com
Learn how to help children listen and improve communication in your parenting journey. Find step by step instructions on how to get cooperation from your kids.
This technique is used for an adult wanting a child to do something. If children are fighting with each other see my article “How to Use Positive Discipline.”
First – attention: Get the child’s attention. You can do this by using eye contact and being close to them. You can also use auditory stimulation such as clapping, asking if they can hear you, or saying their name. You can do visual stimulation like using sign language, hand gestures, or flickering the lights on and off. If they are using an electronic device, it needs to be paused. Obtaining and keeping their attention works best when you talk to them one-on-one without any distractions.
Second – wait: Wait for a response or eye contact before asking the child to do a task.
Third – task: Give 2 options. Example: “You can ____ or ____.” “You can do the dishes or vacuum.” You can also tell them, “You can do it now or in a few minutes.” Most kids choose to wait a few minutes. Someone should set a timer, so they do not forget to do the task. If the child is old enough to learn how to set a timer, they should be the one to set it. This teaches them to take responsibility for their own choices. People love to be in control so giving them options helps avoid power struggles.
Another way to get them to listen is to give them what they want. Example: “When you clean your room you can go to your friend’s house.” or “When you ____ (task) you can ____ (reward).”
Fourth – remind: Children get distracted very easily. If they forgot, remind them. If you are not sure they will not do what you asked, say “Thank you, I really appreciate it when you help.” Children love to please their parents. Telling children what you like about them helps them listen.
Fifth – repeat: If they say “no;” calmly respond with “you will” and walk away. Then wait a few minutes. When you are confident, sometimes they will do it. If they did not listen repeat the process. Remember everyone must be calm before starting this technique.
This may seem like a lot of steps, but it goes faster than it looks.
I walk into my daughter’s room and say, “I need you to brush your teeth.” She is watching TV and says “What?” while staring at the screen.
That did not work so I start over.
First – attention: I am close to her. Then I say, “Pause the TV.”
Second – wait: She pauses it and looks at me.
Third – task: I repeat “It’s time to brush your teeth.” She says, “Can I wait until my show is over? It only has 3 minutes left?” I say “Okay.” When the show is over, she remembers to brush her teeth.
Attention: There is a bunch of toys on the floor that are not being used, so I walk over to my son.
Wait: He looks at me.
Task: I kneel down then tell him “When you clean up, we can use play dough.” He picks up half of the toys then goes to get the play dough.
Remind: I say, “You picked up some of the toys, but I still see a mess. Finish picking up, then we will use the play dough.” He cleans up the rest of the toys.
When children are having a difficult time listening ask yourself, “Why is this happening?”
Here are some common reasons why people do not listen.
1) They are distracted.
Solution: Make sure you have their full attention.
2) They feel like it is not important to them, so they do not care.
Solution: Explain to the child how it effects their life and why they should care.
3) They do not want to because they want to decide for themselves.
Solution: Offer them choices. Let them make basic decisions about their life, such as what clothes to wear.
4) They are upset and therefore not thinking clearly.
Solution: Use time away, take some deep breaths, or wait. Talk to them again when they are calm.
5) You are upset so they choose to ignore you.
Solution: Walk away and take some deep breaths. Come back when you are calm.
6) We do not listen to them, so they think it is okay to do the same thing to us.
Solution: Actively listen to your child. When you tell them “No” to a question they asked, explain why you said no.
7) They want to see what you will do when they do not listen.
Solution: Be consistent. Follow through with the same consequence every time they misbehave.
8) They want to show off in front of someone else like a friend, peer, or sibling.
Solution: Talk to them in private if possible and be willing to compromise with them.
9) They did not understand what you said.
Solution: Give clear, easy to understand, 1 or 2 step directions.
Example: “Put your backpack on your hook. Then stand by the front door.”
10) They did not hear you.
Solution: Make sure you are close to them, and they are paying attention when you talk.
11) They forgot.
Solution: Calmly remind them or use a timer to remind them.
12) They have a need that is not being met.
Solution: Figure out what they need and do it. Start with asking yourself. “Are they feeling tired? Did they get enough to eat and drink? Do they feel safe? etc…”
Example: Kids run around instead of sleeping at bedtime. Children need 1 to 2 hours of active play daily. Did they get enough active play that day?
For more solutions see my article 17 Reasons Why Kids Don’t Listen
