Email: whydokids@yahoo.com
The situations below are designed to help you learn how to teach your children when they make mistakes.
Problem: Emily pours sand on me.
Aggressive: “What’s wrong with you!” (I need to change your behavior, but don’t know how so I blame the child or myself.)
Passive: “Sigh, why are you doing this to me?” (I need to change your behavior, but don’t know how.)
Laughing: “Oh, no.” (Oh well, I don’t know how to change your behavior. I might as well join you.)
Assertive: “It’s not okay to pour sand on me. I need you to stop.” (I know that Emily is experimenting. She wants to see what will happen when she dumps out sand. I saw her dump sand on the ground, then on herself, and last on me.)
Problem: Roy takes my phone.
Aggressive: “Give it back now!” (I need to change your behavior, but don’t know how so I will try to control you.)
Sad / whining: “Roy please!” (I need to change your behavior, but don’t know how so I feel helpless.)
Laughing: “I needed that.” (I don’t know how to change your behavior, and that’s okay. I might as well let you use it for now.)
Assertive: “I need you to bring the phone back. I don’t like it when you take my things.” (I noticed that Roy looked at me before he took the phone. That means he wants my attention. He ran away, so he wants me to chase him. I can tell him that we can play tag later.)
Problem: Roxy pulls all the books off the shelf then walks away.
Uninvolved: There was no one around to see the misbehavior.
Anger / aggressive: “Put them back right now.”
Annoyed / passive: “How many times have I told you to stop doing that? Go to time out.”
Ignore: Puts hands up in the air or shrugs shoulders. “It is what it is.” Does not use a punishment.
Assertive / authoritative: “You took the books off the shelf. Now there’s a mess. Let’s go clean it up.” This logical consequence works better if the child cleans the mess alone. However, if it was a toddler making the mess the adult may need to hand her books to put back on the shelf.
Problem: Ruth is crying she says, “Roy kicked me.”
Uninvolved: I don’t know where my parent is.
Aggressive: “Roy, go to time out now.”
Passive: “Why can’t you guys just play nicely?” Does not use a punishment.
Authoritative: “I bet that hurt. Let’s get some ice then ask him why.”
Ruth stops crying.
I go get an ice pack.
Then we calmly walk over to Roy and ask him, “What happened?”
Roy says, “I kicked her on accident.”
Everyone is calm now so the problem is solved.
There are 4 parenting styles. Aggressive, authoritative, passive, and uninvolved. Positive discipline uses mostly authoritative parenting. It is a middle ground between aggressive and passive. While authoritative parenting and communicating assertively is the best for many situations, each child is unique and has their own temperament so sometimes they may respond better to a different parenting style. Temperament effects behavior. It determines whether a person is outgoing or shy, passive or aggressive, etc. Children who whine a lot are generally passive. Children who yell often are probably aggressive. Some children will do both. They are trying to figure out what works best to get what they want. Children should be taught how to use an assertive voice and eye contact. This helps them stop yelling and whining.
Your parenting style is determined by your personality and the way you were raised. Some parents will do the same thing their parents did. A few do the complete opposite parenting style of what they grew up with. You can always change your parenting style. It just takes some information and a lot of practice. If you want to use assertiveness (authoritativeness) to solve problems, start by watching what your child does. It helps to write down what happened during a conflict or record what they are doing. Then go back later and analyze (reflect on) what happened. Reading my article https://whydokids.com/17-reasons-why-kids-dont-listen/should help too. It can be difficult to change a child’s behavior. It is easier to change the way you react to their behavior.
Problem: A 1 year old takes a toy that a 2 year old had next to them.
Overreaction: The 2 year old gets enraged and bites their shirt while screaming to help them calm down.
Average reaction: The 2 year old cries and gets an adult to help solve the problem.
Ideal reaction: The 2 year old says, “That’s rude” and gets an adult to help.
Solutions: Try getting a similar toy to trade with. If that does not work, an adult can watch the toy and take it back when the 1 year old is not looking and doesn’t notice.
Problem: A preschooler accidentally runs into a wall.
Overreaction: The preschooler gets upset then hits the wall with their hand.
Average reaction: The preschooler cries and goes to an adult.
Ideal reaction: The preschooler says, “That hurt” and goes to ask for an ice pack from an adult.
Solutions: Teach children to look where they are going. Give them opportunities to run outside where they have more space.
Problem: A child wants to be left alone, but another child keeps trying to play with them.
Overreaction: The child uses violence to get the second child to leave.
Average reaction: The child repeatably whines, “I want to be alone.”
Ideal reaction: The child assertively says, “I want to play alone right now. I will play with you later.”
Solutions: Teach children to split the toys and say, “You can play next to me.”
Problem: A 5 year old hits a toddler. An adult tells the 5 year old she needs to walk away to calm down.
Overreaction: The 5 year old walks away crying. She uses negative self talk repeating, “No one likes you. You need to be good.”
Average reaction: The 5 year old feels upset. Then calms down in a few minutes.
Ideal reaction: The 5 year old feels disappointed in their behavior. Then takes deep breaths while touching her middle finger to her thumb to calm down.
Solutions: Teach children that hitting hurts and it creates problems. Do more impulse control activities such as freeze dancing.
Problem: A child needs to be dropped off at childcare but does not want their parent to leave.
Overreaction: The child screams while crying and won’t let go of their parent.
Average reaction: The child looks sad and wants to be alone for a few minutes.
Ideal reaction: The child is disappointed and talks about how they are feeling.
Solutions: A toddler can bring a toy from home if it helps them calm down. A child can wave to their parent out the window. The parent can say, “I will come back to get you after snack time.” The childcare provider can read the child a book until they start feeling better.
Problem: A 3 year old wants to help an adult, but another child already finished the task.
Overreaction: The 3 year old throws a temper tantrum that lasts for 5 minutes or longer.
Average reaction: The 3 year old gets upset and tries to do the task again.
Ideal reaction: The 3 year old is disappointed. Then asks what else they can help with.
Solution: Let the 3 year old repeat the task if possible. It should help them calm down faster.
Problem: A 4 year old wants the toy another child is using.
Overreaction/atypical behavior: The 4 year old runs up to the child with the toy and screams in their face.
Average reaction: The 4 year old keeps saying, “It’s my turn. I want a turn.”
Ideal reaction: The 4 year old tells the child with the toy that they want a turn. If the child with the toy says no; the 4 year old sets a timer then plays with something else until it is their turn.
Solutions: Have several easy to use timers available for children to use for taking turns. Teach all the children how to use a timer to get a turn.
Problem: A child is upset because they are starting childcare.
Overreaction/atypical behavior: The child gets so nervous that they vomit.
Average reaction: The child is upset for the first week. Then calms down when they learn the routine.
Ideal reaction: The child talks about how they are feeling.
Solutions: Ease your child into a new childcare by bringing them for a half a day for the first week. You can also stay with them at childcare until your child gets more comfortable. This also helps you know if the new childcare provider is providing quality care.
Problem: A preschooler wants to sit in a chair that another child is using.
Overreaction/atypical behavior: The preschooler pulls on the chair for 5 minutes or more and screams “I want it!”
Average reaction: The preschooler gets upset for a minute, then sits somewhere else.
Ideal reaction: The preschooler looks around and finds another chair to sit in.
Solutions: Make sure there are enough chairs for each child to get their own. Teach children to look for another one that no one is using.
Problem: A 2 or 3 year old has to share one of the toys they collected to carry around.
Overreaction: The 3 year old throws the rest of the toys they have while crying.
Average reaction: The 3 year old is upset, but gets over it quickly.
Ideal reaction: The 3 year old notices that they still have more toys then everyone else, so there is no reason to be upset.
Solution: If the 3 year old starts getting upset ask them, “How many toys do you have?” They may start counting them and calm down.
Problem: A 3 year old wants to eat a whole sandwich instead of half of a sandwich.
Overreaction: The child screams while crying and throws the half sandwich on the floor.
Average reaction: The child says, “No” throws the half sandwich in the trash and points to the bigger sandwich.
Ideal reaction: The child says, “I want a big sandwich.”
Solution: Teach the child to say or sign, “More food please.”
Problem: A 3 year old takes a toy from another preschooler.
Overreaction: The preschooler spanks the 3 year old.
Average reaction: The preschooler cries and whines or yells, “I want it.”
Ideal reaction: The preschooler says, “I was using that. Why did you take it?”
Solutions: Teach children how to calm down. Then talk about their problem.
Problem: A 2 year old is hitting an older child.
Overreaction: The child hits back.
Average reaction: The child whines or yells, “Stop hitting.”
Ideal reaction: The child assertively says, “Stop, hitting hurts.”
Solutions: Give your attention to the victim first. Try to have the 2 year old look at the older child when they are sad. Assertively say, “Ouch, hitting hurts.”
As a child gets older and has a more developed brain the more likely they are to use the ideal reaction, especially if all the adults in their life are using authoritative parenting.
